DUDE...Where's my car?
Sometimes I wonder If I'll run out of things to write about. Like, "Sh*t!!! I've used up some good material...what on EARTH could I possibly have left to talk about?"
It's just then...I remember that I have 6 kids, and the brain of a newborn blue tang fish.
You know what I can write about? Thursday. Thursday, September 15th. I'll write about that sh*t.
I'll start with 11:30am...
Damned kids had a half day. What in all of hell is the point of a half day? My ass has to get up early enough to get them out the door, but then they're home before my coffee has a chance to even kick in. Ehhhh...regardless...they have them. Let's embrace this, Meghan.
Ella comes home first...
"Mom, can I raid the fridge of whatever food we have left, and then leave again for the volleyball game?"
"Oh, by all means, Ella...go right ahead. I hadn't been wet dreaming about that leftover burrito bowl AT ALL. Please, please...eat it. (whispering obscenities under my breath) Oh, get your chores done first!"
"What chores, Mom? You always speak of this "chore list, " but we've never seen it."
(insert chore list that I vowed to make 4 years ago)
"Ummmmmm...clean the hallway!"
Ohhhhhhh...I'm sorry. Did I say clean the hallway? What I meant to say was..."Please strut around in my heels "pretending" to clean the hallway."
All the while, popping that 12 year old hip.
Stop growing up. Please and thanks. And stop wearing my heels. Did I mention you're 12? Just stop.
Quinn comes home.
Let me backtrack...
The bus driver franticly searches for my house, as he drives down my street because I forgot to go to the bus stop to pick her up.
Quinn starts homework...
Homework. Is. Weird. #ElsabirthsOlaf
"Harps...can you watch Penny for like 4 seconds? Momma's coffee kicked in.
It's now 3pm, and I remember the ticket that my Husband BEGGED me to get taken care of before noon. Off to the PD we go...
I turn around to tell my 4 turds to unbuckle, and...LOW AND BEHOLD... NONE off their asses decided that shoes might be a good idea. And since I'm parked next to 800 squad cars, it's probably frowned upon to leave them in the car. My 5'2" pajama'd ass, hip carried a 7 and 3 year old . Glad I practiced my kegels this morning.
May as well head to the grocery store for dinner (God knows I didn't have that sh*t planned)
Pull in the parking lot...
Of course. Perfect. None of your asses EVER want to go to bed at night, but now...NOW seems like a good time. Thanks, Turds. And seriously...WTF sits like that...let alone sleeps like that? Also...you're grounded for unbuckling.
"Babe! It says washable!!!
"So do clothes, Kevin. Clothes say "washable." Do I wash them though?"
So let me end this day with how it started...my favorite part...
I have to have Ella to school by 7:45am. I also have to have Quinn to her bus stop at 7:45am. I haul ass to Ella's school, and then park the car at the corner with Quinn while we wait for the bus. Saw the bus...hopped out...Quinn got on bus...head home. All is well.
Get home...make my coffee...answer Penny's 6,743 questions, and carry on with my day.
11:30 rolls around, and I start wondering if I have to pick up Quinn from school. "Does the bus run on half days? Of COURSE it does, you silly goose. I look for my keys anyways.
WHERE in all of the land's sh*ts ARE my keys exactly?
Ohhhhhhhhhh...there they are!!! Just keeping your car super chill with the AC on full blast, as it RUNS...at the end of the f*cking block...For FOUR hours!!!
Drove my kid to the bus stop, and then...
Walked. My. Sorry. Ass. HOME.
Tomorrow's a new day.
Aghhhhhhhh!!! My teeny tiny newborn started Preschool today!!! 6 kids...5 different schools. They're ALL gone!!!
This morning was a little rough, to say the least. Breakfast was one of Dad's Nutri-grain bars. Not to worry though...she'll never leave the house hungry. Instead of actually brushing her teeth like a normal human being, she'll usually just eat the toothpaste right off the brush. I can't be entirely too sure that we changed her underwears either, and it's pretty obvious that she dressed herself again. She has one Minnie Mouse and one Olaf sock on...because...well...socks. Oh, and her shirt is actually a dress...intended for a 9 month old.
Once we got to her school, the crying was OUT. OF. CONTROL. No joke...inconsolable tears. Screaming, snots everywhere kind of crying.
I totally would've captured all of this hysterical crying and madness on video, but...
recording everyone ELSE'S kid would've been kind of creepy.
Penny gave not ONE shit.
Meanwhile...I sat in the parking lot for over an hour. You know, just incase she started to miss me, or needed someone to wipe her butt.
That Time She Jumped Too Hard
Meet Penny. GOD I want to eat her face off sometimes. I just love closeups of her! I can capture everything about that perfect fat face, without having to draw attention to her outfit choices.
I mean...what in all of the actual f*cks IS that? The grocery store...mall...school...park...you name it! This is how she INSISTS on embarrassing me. She laughs because she KNOWS I'm secretly cringing inside.
Okay...I'm not gonna lie...these are kind of super adorable...
Moccasins by Bella Kiddy
So, laugh at me ALL you want, kid...
But who's the one laughin' when you...
Jump. Too. Hard?
I'm new here. Give me 3 more nights, and 6 more bottles of wine.