Where do I start?
I seriously...truly...and honestly believe that I have the GREATEST Husband EVER!!! No joke. Let me break it down real quick...
Reasons Kev is AWESOME:
1. He's MEGA smart.
I mentioned something tonight about it being a "small world." He proceeded to tell me something like..."Blah blah blah...that's just a fabrication of your mind. Blah blah blah...Your world is as small as you make it, given the people you surround yourself with. Blah blah."
Something along those lines.
My brain started to hurt.
Could've been Malibu brain freeze.
We'll never know.
2. He works his ASS off!
When he's done working, he comes home and works some more. When he's done with that, his brain is thinking about what to work on next.
This is when I'm usually drinking, or telling tiny humans to brush their teeth, and pre-treating skid marked underwear stains.
When people ask me what I do, I'm all like..."I release poo stains from underwears." Real Super Woman Shit.
3. He DESTROYS that whole "DAD" gig.
He has 5 girls. FIVE. Need I say more?
4. He's dead sexy.
He may mow the lawn in Dad shorts, white socks, and gym shoes...but he can OWN a see thru V-neck with exposed chest hair like no other!
He even makes sleeping look good...
Here's where he's kind of not the coolest...
No. It wasn't even like that. It was for SURE all caps yelling...
"MEEEEEEEEEEGGGGG!!! Where's my chapstick?"
"Kevin, I don't have your Chapstick. I actually NEVER have your Chapstick."
"No! I know you took it. It just doesn't jump out of my cooler."
"Kevin, I realize that Chapstick is unable to jump, but I also know that I have not touched your Chapstick. Would you like to check my purse, pockets, and...or, possibly the hidden compartment in my Joan? Would you like to do a full cavity search?"
"No. You stole it, and you are HIDING it!!!"
"I assure you, my love...I did NOT hide your stupid Chapstick. Let me tell you why. I hate your Chapstick. I truly believe that it is 100% the shittiest Chapstick on the market. You have some ridiculously weird hard on for ORIGINAL flavored Chapstick. It's possibly the most revolting smell ever. One that I can only describe as 45 year old sunscreen that has been carefully applied onto a gorilla's nut sack on a Chicago's hot August afternoon. It's THAT bad. And then, once the shitty ass flavor starts to dissipate, you have to go ahead and reapply the shitty shit because now your dumb lips are dryer than before you decided to use it. Maybe if it was Cherry flavored, or Burt's Bees anything...you might have a problem...and I may have taken it. Let me reiterate though...if it's your disgustingly awful ORIGINAL flavored tasting like old ass popcorn Chapstick...I'm not your girl."
Picture of said shitty Chapstick...
Wait a minute...
But WHY do I have a picture of said shitty Chapstick?
OHHHHHHHHHHH...because I found it!!!
Where you ask? Only the same F*CKING place that I ALWAYS find it!!!
Balance a checkbook in 3.5 seconds?
Empty his pockets before he throws them in the dirty clothes?
It gets better!!!
Since he only had a few things to wash, and I'm weird about the washer not being JAM PACKED full of shit, I decided to fill it up...
With my GLORIOUS LulaRoe!!!
It doesn't stop there either...
All over the coveted black and heather grey leggings.
And just to give you an idea of how awesome these shitty Chapstick stains look on...
Perfect nipple placement. Awesome.
So , naturally, I left him a love note...
What's the moral of the story?
Don't do laundry. It's stupid.
I'm new here. Give me 3 more nights, and 6 more bottles of wine.