It's Christmas Time. I am Still Blessed.

Well...It.  Has.  Been.  A.   WHILE!!!

Ya'll, I gotta tell you about my day straight from the fiery pits of hell.  I don't even know where to begin exactly.  I suppose the beginning will do.

1am- The Elf

This B*tch...I cannot.  I cannot remember, and I cannot deal.

​It's Christmas time.  I am still blessed.

Cute, right?  Be nice...stop crying...sisters are important...blah blah blah.  I'll get back to how THIS went over in a minute.

​6am- I wake up from the WORST DREAM EVER!!!  Ba ha ha ha ha ha!  Just kidding!  I don't wake up at 6am.

7:30am- I REALLY wake up from the WORST DREAM EVER.  I won't completely bore you with the details, BUT...I had a dream that all of a sudden I could breastfeed (mind you...I never could.  Tried with ALL of them.  Wasn't happening).  You guys...EVERYONE and EVERYTHING needed to be breastfed.  My kids, Kev, the neighbor's new puppy.  ALL.  OF.  THE THINGS.  Kev told me the tree out front was not looking good, and that I needed to breastfeed it.  There was also no gas in my car.  Guess what we could use to fuel the car?  Yup.  Breastmilk.  I 100% thought this was real life as I shoved my sloppy boob into sweet Bes's tank.  Went to work after that...you know...as a waitress.  I'm always a waitress in my dreams, and I'm always naked..with 1,000 tables of people that I cannot get to.  So, here I am...A naked waitress...shooting milk ERRRRRRRRRRRRRWHERE!!!  Nobody would eat their food because I shot milk all over their Eggs Over My Hammy. (If only they knew how I fed a tree that morning)  Everybody's screaming and yelling at me because of their milky food, and I'm just standing there...naked...crying...and shooting milk.

This is when I woke up.

​It's Christmas time.  I am still blessed.

7:45- Have to get 2 of the kids to school.  Don't even know their names at this point.  Penny is pissed because Quinn's wearing her underwears, and Quinn is screaming because she's being forced to eat mini pancakes and not the regular sized ones.  I give up.  Clearly the Elf letters are working (insert giant eye roll emoji).  As I'm walking out the door, I see this...

My kids are Jag Bags.  

It's Christmas time.  I am still blessed.

Moving along.

LATE:30- I'm not sure what time it is, but I'm obviously late (Shocker).  Get back to get the other 3 ready.  Can't find socks (another WOW moment).  Stepped in syrup from the stupid mini pancakes, and now Quinn's pissed off again because her water bottle wasn't filled up 3/4 of the way, like she needs it to be.  I don't care.  We're no longer friends anyways.

I'm about to chuck this damned Elf, Ya'll.  My kids STILL acting the fool!

It's Christmas time.  I am still blessed.

There's a large window of time that I don't remember much.  Probably because TODAY'S the day I decided to give up coffee.  Not one of my better ideas.  Penny proceeds to ask for Starbucks for the next 3 hours.

​It's Christmas time.  I am still blessed.

This is where it gets FUN.

1pm- Mom's hungry.  Mom makes a taco salad.  Anything with the word taco needs 5 pounds of sour cream.  Sour cream makes Mom poo.

1:30- Bathroom.  My step stool is gone.  I NEED my step stool.   My legs just dangle there, and my feet don't touch the ground.  Next best thing?  Tiny garbage can.  So, I'm sitting there doing my business, and what do I see?  The UPS guy.  WHY do I see the UPS guy?  Oh, because we don't have window treatments, of course...and Frosty starts blowing up at 4.

It's Christmas time.  I am still blessed.

​Ughhhhhhhh!!!  SHIT!!!  No pun intended.  What are the chances he's going to look into the window?  What are the chances I have my phone to take a picture?  What are the chances that, at this very moment...



​Penny opens the door?

Fuck my life.

She LITERALLY lets the man in to drop the packages...right as I'm dropping a taco steamer.  Legs up...on a garbage can...bearing down.  

Kill.  Me.  Now.  

He looks RIGHT at me...tips his hat and says..."Ma'am."

It's Christmas time.  I am still blessed.

Shit can't get worse from here, right?  Nah!  Wrong.

2:15- Get Ella, drive home.  Forgot my way home.  Lack of coffee is obviously making me dumber than I already am.  

2:30- Get home.  Pee.

3:00- Leave to get Jack and the girls.  Of course there's like 12 accidents on the way there.   Why wouldn't there be?

This puts a wrench in EVERYTHING.  Late getting Jack.

3:25- Late getting the girls.  Now I have to physically walk into the office.  Guess what I'm wearing.  Yeah.  Long F*cking underwears!!!!  Legit, tight as hell, long ass underwears.  Am I wearing a bra?  Nope.  Am I wearing extra underwears under the long ass underwears?  Now that would be SILLY.  Of course I'm not.

It's Christmas time.  I am still blessed.

3:45- Who wants to talk about the most uncomfortable moment ever?  Ya'll...I am WAY too heavy into 104.3 JAMS Chicago.  Like..."Guuuuuuuuuuurl, you'd better CALM your tootsie roll while you driving' before you get into a wreck" into it.  

I'm going to start a general list of 104.3 JAMS tunes that you should NOT belt out Mariah style in front of your almost 17 year old kid...


"Let me lick you up and down...till you say stop."

And immediately following...

Baby, don't you understand...
I wanna be your nasty man"

​

Not one of my "better" teaching moments.

It's Christmas time. I am still blessed.

​Lost more track of time after we got home. Picked up my vacuum and laughed at it. Thought about doing dishes, but started watching Kalen Allen on YouTube instead. After all...I was frazzled.

4:05- It was at this time that I realized I have to go pick up a neighbor child and one of my own children at the intermediate school following music class. I have to pick them up at 4...10 minutes away. You do the math.

It’s Christmas time. I’m still blessed.

​4:07- As I’m running out the door...still in long underwears and Crocs...Penny goes...”Mom!!! Are we going to gymnastics now?” Gymnastics was at 1pm. This is the 3rd time I’ve forgotten about gymnastics.

Killing it over here.

It’s Christmas time. I’m still blessed.

Right?