⚠️ FRIENDLY WARNING/PSA ⚠️
Hit up my local shell last week before heading up to the lake house. It was a Friday, so naturally I waited 15 minutes for a pump. It was hot out, so when I attempted removing myself from my vehicle, I had to peel my thighs from the seats...resulting in losing an epidermal layer of skin (probably completely impertinent to this story, but I believe solidarity (fist bump) attracts readers)
Anywho...got out...entered my Circle⭕️K rewards number because I’m a saver and somewhat of a tightwad. Swiped my CC when prompted, and NOTHING. No ”card cannot be read” or “your broke ass is declined”. Just NOTHING. Tried again...NOTTA!!! Moved up to the next pump. Successfully completed my transaction, and we were on our merry way!
This is where shit gets weird.
Got a text message from some super cool folk with my Chase Southwest credit card...
I guess I can say that. (insert laughing emoji head)
So, naturally I freak the fuck out. Not because I'm thinking that some Spendthrift panty waste stole my credit card and is having a field day at Orland Square mall, but because my 14 year old just happened to be at PacSun at that EXACT same time (insert suspicious emoji head)
m bout to
I frantically search for my card, and find it immediately, so my feelings of whoop ass and dragging Ella out of the mall by her hair wear off.
I then called Chase to go over the possible mass of credit card gang banging I've ensued. Ummmmm...it was a LOT!!!
CS: "Ma'am...we're going to go over the most recent transactions charged to your account. Please let me know if one or more doesn't sound right."
Self Talk: (Shit. This could get weird)
Me: "mmmmmmmm kay"
CS: "$67 at Ricky Rockets in Midlothian?"
CS: "$84 at Portillos?"
Me: "Sounds like something I would do, but nope"
CS: "$128 at McDonalds?"
Me: "How hungry are these mother fuckers, and HOW is that even possible?"
CS: "$428 to Young Living?"
Hardcore thought about noping this one.
Me: "Ummmmmm...yeah. Definitely me."
CS: "$285 at Ricky Rockets?"
Me: "Another nope"
CS: "All of these are from the mall, so I'll assume NO...
1. $894 at PacSun?
2. $435 at Hollister?
3. 2 separate transactions at Build-A-Bear totaling $196?
4.$26 at Starbucks?
5.$37 at Cinnabon?"
Me: "Ummmmmm...Sadly I need to take ownership of Build-A-Bear because I'm weak AF, and the obvious Starbucks binge. PacSun was already a huge fuck nope, and I haven't slid anything Hollister "like" over these thighs in 12 years...probably because of Cinnabon consumption, but sadly that wasn't me either."
CS: "Kayyyyyyyyyy. Another $184 at Ricky Rockets?"
Me: "JESUS!!! WTF is Ricky Rockets, and do I need it in my life?"
CS: "Ma'am...it's a gas station."
Call me ma'am ONE.MORE.TIME. (insert pissed off red emoji head)
Me: "LORD! Did this Choche bring his entire entourage to fuel up?"
Anyway...a mortgage payment later...we got it all straightened out. (Chase is alright in my book)
My new card is being sent to me, and all is well, but had it been my bank card...I'd be in a pretty bad place right now. Scratched my head for DAYS trying to figure out how it happened. Like...how in the ballsacks can somebody be making these purchases without the physical card? And then a friend sent me this...
You guys!!! If you roll into a gas station...use a PROTECTED CC!!! Never your bank card. If for some reason you're swiping and swiping, and nothing is happening...call your CC company immediately. Your best bet is to actually GO INSIDE to pay!!!
Also...as a disclaimer...
I don't beat my children...or open cans of whoop ass.
I just drink.
I'm new here. Give me 3 more nights, and 6 more bottles of wine.