You guys...I've been struggling with this post. Like...big time.
I'll start with this...
This is something I posted on Facebook, 5 years ago...
I can't exactly remember the text I had to go along with it, but it was something like...
"Here we go again!"
It was April Fool's Day, and I basically thought that I was the funniest human alive. Like..."YEAH!!! This is good stuff!!! I'll probably land a comical performance contract after this one."
It's NOT funny!!!
It was hurtful to SO many! Unintentional, for sure...but hurtful.
So , here I am...hour 4 of trying to type about how INCREDIBLY difficult these "hysterical" posts must be for couples that have lost a child, miscarried, struggled, or continue to struggle with infertility must be...when I have NO idea how to even BEGIN to comprehend.
All I can say is that...the way that I feel when I see these types of posts can only PALE in comparison to the 7 MILLION women that struggle with infertility daily, and can be crushing to the couples that have dealt with, or are coping with infant loss/miscarriage. According to national estimates, roughly 15 to 20 percent of all pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, defined as the loss of a fetus before the 20th week.
You guys, PLEASE keep this in mind when you're looking for a quick laugh...or some serious shock value. Just don't.
I've actually taken the time to compile a list of way funnier crap to post on the interwebs this April Fools' (video reactions are encouraged)...
1. The ole toothpaste in the Oreo trick. Instant laughter...and gagging.
2. Good clean fun right here...
3. Always a classic...
4. For those coffee lovers...Ketchup at the bottom, or Alka Seltzer creamer. You decide. Both equally hysterical.
5. A favorite for SURE. Who doesn't love a good, solid poop joke?
6. Yeah...this one's for Kev. He'll get it.
And last but not least...#7. Even THIS one is funnier than ANY fake pregnancy post...
How pitiful is this face? Seriously?!?!?! Poor sweet Quinn. Just wants to glue her school project together. Here she is at a crossroads though. Mod Podge or Gorilla Glue? One screams..."I won't hold ANY of your shit together" while the other one requires a safety mask.
You might be saying to yourselves..."Why not good ole Elmer's school glue, Quinn?" Ohhhhhhhhh...that's just because 85% of ALL 6-13 year olds in the United Effing States are cranking out 15 bottles at a time trying to create the most revolting shit of all time. SLIME!!!
Let's talk real quick about how SLIME has taken over my life...
My God damned cabinets! Contact solution and shaving cream bottles ERRRRRRRWHERE!!! Need to shave your legs? Not fucking today you don't!!! Better go slide your ass into another pair of Lularoes because the next "Pacific Rush" you'll be getting will be the "backsplash" from your toilet bowl after a hot night at Taco Bell.
Let's go over some of the ways my children have silently said "FUCK YOU" with SLIME...
Want a sure fire way to jack up your carpet? Here you go...SLIME!!!
Not even sure HOW SLIME got on my Ove-glove, but it fucking did. And guess what? The washer was basically like..."Yeeeeeeeeah...I'm not getting you out, and my friend "Dryer" over there will REALLY fuck your shit up!"
This is our SLIME basket. Everything contained to THIS basket, is infected with bullshit SLIME.
This might have slime...might have pee...we're not sure exactly.
Want coffee? NOPE! Fuck you, you've been SLIMED!!!
This is what my kids tell me to do in this situation. See how all of that SLIME shit is stuck to my fat fingers?
"MOM!!! Just poke it!!! Poke it really fast! Just poke. It'll come off. UGHHHHHHH!!! You're doing it all wrong!!! POKE IT!!!"
The next time one of them tells me to poke it, I'm shoving it square up their ass.
Check out their sweet collection? Tupperware? Nah!!! Leftovers have been going into fucking baggies!!! No joke. I legitimately put an entire Stovetop chicken and corn bake into a fucking freezer bag. Thank God we've found a place to "home" our SLIME. See that one on the left? Ella put my coffee into that one. MY COFFEE!!! That shit that keeps me alive is now suffocating in a wad of brown gooey shit that looks close to something that Harper "dropped off at the pool" that morning. The one on the right? Full of teeny tiny beads. You might ask where does one GET such beads? Ohhhhhh, just my super cool iPhone holder from the Sharper Image. Just a Christmas gift that my little SLIME loving turds decided to cut up for their own stupid SLIMEY pleasure. Jerk bags.
Here's some more SLIME...just chillin' on my Norwex mop. Byeeeeeeeeee Norwex mop!!!
You guys...they've created an Instagram account...FOR SLIME!!! 57 people have NOTHING better to do than follow an account containing NOTHING but Stupid. Ass. SLIME.
Can I talk about how many times in a day I hear this...
"Mom...listen to it. It's popping. Do you hear it?"
"This is so satisfying!"
"This is life!"
"Mom, look...I can make a cinnamon swirl."
"Mom...this one looks like Unicorn Poo."
"I can blow bubbles."
"Look at how far I can stretch it."
"Mom, that'll TOTALLY come out."
"Just feel it."
"MOM! Just feel it real quick."
"I wish I could sleep in this."
"They should make mattresses out of this."
Not only that, but I'm pretty certain that my kids have become "dealers." If your kids are coming home with a wad of rolled up dollar bills...you have yourself a SLIME pusher...A Potions Merchant. Like Pineapple express and shit. It's serious.
Let's be real though...this is an expensive habit. Oh, and it's NO WHERE to be found. It's also now being said that Borax, which is also Boric acid...is proven unsafe for kids. Apparently it can affect fertility and brain development. Listen ya'll...I want like HUNDREDS of grandkids, so that shit's gotsta GO!!! Kev and I found a way around this...
Ummmmm...a gallon? I'd rather step on 478 Shopkins than clean up more SLIME, but...whatever!!! It keeps them BUSY!!! Seriously though...wood glue and shaving cream. That's it. Done and done.
Moral of the story though...
After a little more research, I've come to the conclusion that Borax (unless inhaled) is 900x safer than this shit that will likely sprout a 3rd arm on any given child...
Everyone's all FREAKING out about Borax? Jesus! Have you checked what's in your kids' toothpaste? Detergent? Shampoo? Hand soap? Household cleaners? Lotions? Perfumes? I could go on and on. Borax is the LEAST of your problems!
Moral of the story...
I'm new here. Give me 3 more nights, and 6 more bottles of wine.