"Summer Mom Can't Come To The Phone Right Now.
Oh, 'Cause She's Dead!"
As many of you already know...these past few weeks our news feeds have been FLOODED with just the gosh darn SWEETEST back to school photos. We'll all post our comparison photos, and gush about how absolutely gorgeous all of our children have gotten. Maybe we'll chat about how many teeth Timmy lost, or how sweet Sally lost her baby curls. All super cute shit, right?
Listen, I'm guilty...of ALL of these things. You know what though...
Why ain't nobody talking about the 800 gallons of slime that your tiny turd bag children dumped onto the carpet, or the fact that sweet little Sally still shits the hardwood, and uses the solid pieces to fake Mom out as Oreo Balls? How about that time you caught teenage Billy bobbing the bologna into the back to school socks you just bought him? Nobody's gushing about that! Nope!
Summertime, my girlfriends are calling me up all hot and heavy, cussing, half in the bag, (because those tiny bottles of vodka are the only things that are getting them through the day) just screaming about how their kids are nothing but a bunch of window lickers.
First day of school rolls around though...and they are our beautiful, well behaved, precious gifts from the lord. And there are PICTURES to prove it!
This year's about ME!!!
My back to school picture!!!
Shit that I want to do!!!
I thought about getting my hair and nails done. Maybe shave my legs for Kev, (It's in the braidable stage right now) but then I remembered that registration fees, back to school clothes, and the 10 for $10 Lunchables set me back a few. That, and...I didn't want to shock Kev into an irregular cardiac state. The only "nails getting done" I get to endure is the removal of whatever leftover feces I have sunken deep into a nail bed after" one plying" my helpless kid's ass.
This back to school year I celebrate ME!!!
In the only way I know HOW...
Credit: Melissa Eaheart Photography
Hug. A. Teacher.
You hug a Teacher, and you hug that bitch HARD!!!
They're shaping the lives of our precious children, DAILY.
Until it's summer...and they're assholes again.
Here's just a few more small snacks of me..
Just in case any of you wanted to use as blackmail...
or set up poster sized at my funeral.
Better yet...Right click one to your phone, and next time you see one of my kids...bust it out, and ask them if they know me. Watch how fast they say "NO!"
"Mommy! Why you look like Daddy?"
A giant high five to www.belovedshirts.com/ for getting me this, sexier than ever suit, lickity split.
I'm new here. Give me 3 more nights, and 6 more bottles of wine.