What's That On Your Face?

I don't even KNOW where to begin with this!!!  Is it a genius hack?  Things to do?  Things NOT to do?  Things to NEVER EVER try again EVER?  I'm still unsure.

I'll start here...

A few months back after we had gotten Rudy, a friend of mine had mentioned something about some paper plate trick.

Let me back up.

​This is Rudy...

Cute, right?

Moving along.

Here's a pic of Rudy's first poop.  Super proud dog mom moment for sure, but...no.  That shit ain't right.

I thought I did everything right.  Bought all of the "must have" puppy crap.  My most prized purchase though...

Guess what's still in the corner of my living room collecting dust?  Yeah...that.

Nobody tells you about puppy poop.  Mushy AF.   Basic consistency of the frozen yogurt machine on a Carnival Cruise line.

It was at this point I started to second guess my dog friends.

It was also at this point I went out and purchase poo bags...
​

Another bullshit lie.  JASMINE scented?   Really?  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can mask the dead carcass odor that permeated from Rudy's backside.  Jasmine my ass.

Also...real quick...let's talk about the feeling of warm steamy dog mud in your hands.  Nothing in-between but a sliver of bullshit jasmine scented plastic.  OR...how about when the scraping (because you KNOW there's scraping) of the poop from each individual grass blade cuts through your jasmine scented bullshit.  What then?

​Shit fingers.  That's what.

Moving along...

​The paper plate trick...

Pretty self explanatory, right?  Dog starts shitting...hurry up and toss a Dixie under his ass.  Looks easy enough.

Bailey failed, and it was forgotten about.

Until tonight.

Rudy had some vaccinations this week, and let's just say...the plumbing is off, and the river butt has set in.

Cue Meg and the paper plate trick.

I had all of the basic necessities...

1. Rudy on leash (left hand)
2. Poo bag (left hand)
3. Paper plate (right hand)
4. Phone w/ flashlight (right hand)

The trick is to get him to dookie on the paper plate, and then let it roll off into the poo bag.  Not so much.

We executed the deuce to plate PERFECTLY...

And one pic wasn't enough.  Nooooooooo.  I needed a close up to brag to all of my friends about my genius fucking ideas...

It was mere seconds after this very moment that my life would change forever.

I couldn't just "roll" the poop into the bag because, as I stated before...#riverass.  So...here I am... 

1. Leashed Rudy (left hand)
2. Paper plate loaded with butt butter (left hand)
3. Poo bag (left hand)
4. Phone to take proud Mom pics and utilize flashlight (right hand)

You'll never guess who spotted his first toad.

Yeah...it was Rudy.

Damn dog is afraid of dandelions, but toads?  Nah.  Them there are racing buddies.

So off he went...

From my left hand...

With the plate...

Of chocolate caca...

​Needless to say...

Poo face Meg.

​It didn't stop there.  It was also all over my fingers, and now all over a neighbor's driveway.  So now I'm trying to scrape mud poo off of their driveway and back onto the plate with my already poo fingers, and a poo face.  All the while, dry heaving endlessly.

Rudy never looked back.

​#shitface