Ya'll know what I'm talkin' about.
Can't even SAY the word, can ya?
There!!! You scratching' yet?
Lemme go ahead and tell ya'll a little story, mmmmmmmm kay???
Awwwwww...here we are!!! How sweet, right? Just one of the TWO family photos we actually have together. I love how easily noticeable it is that I'm sucking in SO blatantly hard. My body looks like it's in FULL ON physical pain. That, or, I'm holding in a DOOZY of a fart. I look like a stand-in Mom that wasn't meant to be in the picture. Anywhooooooo...here we are in January of 2016, on a family cruise.
This is the photo that was used in mostly EVERY article written about us. This was the photo broadcasted on the Steve Harvey Show. This is the photo that will be printed in a French magazine.
THIS is the photo that will FOREVER remind me that we were...
INFESTED WITH LICE!!!
Yup!!! All of us girls. Loaded. Disgusting, right? Let's discuss...
Here I am...just chillin' in Kev's suitcase. Probably transferring LICE all over his underwears. NO idea about the poo bugs on my nugget.
Here we are...in the airport...about to get on a plane to Florida. Penny clearly VERY excited. All I can think about is how close our heads were. NO idea we have LICE.
Here I am with Opa...probably passin' bugs into his ears. NO IDEA I have LICE.
Look at these two cuties frolicking around, having NO IDEA tiny bugs are shitting all over their heads.
Oh, here's a favorite of mine. "Let's get ALL of the girls' hair braided by some poor unsuspecting women on the beach. Again...NO IDEA they have LICE. Is that lice...is that sand? We'll never know.
NBD...just touchin' heads...with our killer Monica braids, and NO IDEA of the LICE all up in our asinine amount of hair.
So there we were...on our AWESOME vacation, and NO idea about the poo bugs multiplying by the thousands.
Wanna know WHY we didn't know?
Because NOBODY f*cking talks about it!!!
Schools "say" they check, but that's basically like asking a 15 year old to check their underwears for skid marks. NOT happening. I get it. 300 some heads? I'd be doin' a half ass job too!
When I FINALLY figured it out, I rushed them all to Midwest Lice Specialists. They told me our infection started in December!!! UGHHHHHHH!!! Seriously?
She asked me SO many times..."Do you want me to check you?"
I'm all..."Nahhhhhh...I'm good. There's NO way those little poo slingers could survive the amount of dry shampoo I saturate this dome with. Let's just do it for FUN though."
I wanted to DIE. Right there...DIE!
But, GREAT news!!! To the small tune of a MORTGAGE payment...they treated us. They were 100% guaranteed GONE!!! Did that matter ONE bit? NOPE!!! Kids went back to school, and every other kid was STILL infested...because nobody looks...and nobody cares...and nobody THINKS their kids could POSSIBLY get it. So we continued to get it...again...and again...and again.
Let me break it down for you this way...
LICE love ERRRRRRRRRONE!!!
LICE love dirty hair.
LICE love clean hair.
LICE love unicorn hair.
LICE love white people hair.
LICE love black people hair.
LICE love Asian and Mexican hair.
LICE love girl hair
LICE love boy hair
LICE love straight, Bi, gay, transexual, and transgender hair.
LICE love Hillary supporters' hair
LICE love Trump supporters' hair
LICE love the people that would've preferred to vote for Bernie hair
In some CRAZY way...we should ALL be like LICE, right?
But seriously...they're f*cking gross.
CHECK YOUR KIDS' HEADS!!! Weekly!!!
We check EVERY Friday. We also preventatively TREAT every Friday. I'm not talking about the chemical shit storm boxes at your local drug store that could quite possibly cause your child to grow a third arm, all the while not killing the little shits anyways. I'm talking a LICE comb off of Amazon, a bottle of ANY type of oil in your home (coconut, olive, grapeseed, almond), some Tea Tree EO, and a shower cap. This method suffocates the CRAP out of them.
Listen guys...it's EVERYWHERE!!! Don't think it can't happen to you or your Family. And if it does, quit being so damned embarrassed!!! TALK about it!!! Tell your friends. Tell your kids' friends' parents. Quit hiding behind some damned bugs that do nothing but LOVE everyone. But, let's get rid of that shit...for real.
I'm new here. Give me 3 more nights, and 6 more bottles of wine.