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Ya'll know what I'm talkin' about. Can't even SAY the word, can ya? LICE!!! There!!! You scratching' yet? Lemme go ahead and tell ya'll a little story, mmmmmmmm kay???  Awwwwww...here we are!!! How sweet, right? Just one of the TWO family photos we actually have together. I love how easily noticeable it is that I'm sucking in SO blatantly hard. My body looks like it's in FULL ON physical pain. That, or, I'm holding in a DOOZY of a fart. I look like a stand-in Mom that wasn't meant to be in the picture. Anywhooooooo...here we are in January of 2016, on a family cruise. This is the photo that was used in mostly EVERY article written about us. This was the photo broadcasted on the Steve Harvey Show. This is the photo that will be printed in a French magazine. THIS is the photo that will FOREVER remind me that we were... INFESTED WITH LICE!!! Yup!!! All of us girls. Loaded. Disgusting, right? Let's discuss...  Here I am...just chillin' in Kev's suitcase. Probably transferring LICE all over his underwears. NO idea about the poo bugs on my nugget.  Here we are...in the airport...about to get on a plane to Florida. Penny clearly VERY excited. All I can think about is how close our heads were. NO idea we have LICE.  Here I am with Opa...probably passin' bugs into his ears. NO IDEA I have LICE.  Look at these two cuties frolicking around, having NO IDEA tiny bugs are shitting all over their heads.  Oh, here's a favorite of mine. "Let's get ALL of the girls' hair braided by some poor unsuspecting women on the beach. Again...NO IDEA they have LICE. Is that lice...is that sand? We'll never know.  NBD...just touchin' heads...with our killer Monica braids, and NO IDEA of the LICE all up in our asinine amount of hair. So there we were...on our AWESOME vacation, and NO idea about the poo bugs multiplying by the thousands.
Wanna know WHY we didn't know? Because NOBODY f*cking talks about it!!! Seriously...NOBODY!!! Schools "say" they check, but that's basically like asking a 15 year old to check their underwears for skid marks. NOT happening. I get it. 300 some heads? I'd be doin' a half ass job too! When I FINALLY figured it out, I rushed them all to Midwest Lice Specialists. They told me our infection started in December!!! UGHHHHHHH!!! Seriously? She asked me SO many times..."Do you want me to check you?" I'm all..."Nahhhhhh...I'm good. There's NO way those little poo slingers could survive the amount of dry shampoo I saturate this dome with. Let's just do it for FUN though." YUP. Infested. I wanted to DIE. Right there...DIE! But, GREAT news!!! To the small tune of a MORTGAGE payment...they treated us. They were 100% guaranteed GONE!!! Did that matter ONE bit? NOPE!!! Kids went back to school, and every other kid was STILL infested...because nobody looks...and nobody cares...and nobody THINKS their kids could POSSIBLY get it. So we continued to get it...again...and again...and again. Let me break it down for you this way... LICE love ERRRRRRRRRONE!!! LICE love dirty hair. LICE love clean hair. LICE love unicorn hair. Doesn't matter. LICE love white people hair. LICE love black people hair. LICE love Asian and Mexican hair. Doesn't matter. LICE love girl hair LICE love boy hair LICE love straight, Bi, gay, transexual, and transgender hair. Doesn't matter. LICE love Hillary supporters' hair LICE love Trump supporters' hair LICE love the people that would've preferred to vote for Bernie hair Doesn't matter. In some CRAZY way...we should ALL be like LICE, right? But seriously...they're f*cking gross. CHECK YOUR KIDS' HEADS!!! Weekly!!! We check EVERY Friday. We also preventatively TREAT every Friday. I'm not talking about the chemical shit storm boxes at your local drug store that could quite possibly cause your child to grow a third arm, all the while not killing the little shits anyways. I'm talking a LICE comb off of Amazon, a bottle of ANY type of oil in your home (coconut, olive, grapeseed, almond), some Tea Tree EO, and a shower cap. This method suffocates the CRAP out of them. Listen guys...it's EVERYWHERE!!! Don't think it can't happen to you or your Family. And if it does, quit being so damned embarrassed!!! TALK about it!!! Tell your friends. Tell your kids' friends' parents. Quit hiding behind some damned bugs that do nothing but LOVE everyone. But, let's get rid of that shit...for real.
12 Comments
LILAURE
10/26/2016 04:47:46 am
That was hilarious and so true. .. we did a great job of escaping those buggers for an entité schoolyear after my second daughter entered kindergarten. And then first week of the summer break:there they were! It turned into a full time job for weeks. I'm a f*** expert, now.
Melissa
10/26/2016 08:20:57 am
There is a dyi recipe out there too for a 'lice spray' wth EOs in it to spray their heads with before heading out to school everyday as well (: suppose to work really well!
Julia
10/26/2016 08:21:24 am
You have a natural way with words that make this gross infestation sound not so bad. Last year all our cheer squads were infected. From freshman to our varsity everyone had the lil shits!!! Multiple treatments and still nothing. Thankfully we finally booted them but it was a long and gross season. Thanks for sharing as you are spot on with people not talking about it.
Pat
10/26/2016 09:21:52 am
Put a little tea tree oil in your shampoo they hate it and it works.
Katie Alexander
10/26/2016 10:14:32 am
Word! We got inducted into the lice hall of fame three summers ago and I still scratch my head thinking about it. To say I was CRAZY was a damn understatement. If it could be washed and dried it was.
Amy
10/26/2016 11:28:11 am
I had lice as a kid! So far my kids haven't suffered that nightmare. My mom bought every lice kit possible. Nothing would keep them away because all the kids at school also had them. What finally worked... Dog shampoo. Flea and tick dog shampoo. They were instantly gone. So that may be worth a shot too!
mikki
10/27/2016 01:21:32 am
I'm ashamed to admit that we've been dealing with lice (off and on) on my 8... now 9 year old since April. Yessss, a half a year! I've exhausted myself with washing everything in hot ass water, combing thick ass hair with close bristled combs, spraying everything in the goddamned house with an aerosol can full of bullshit that does NOT kill lice and their eggs! Pretty discouraged here! These kits are pushing 30 bucks at CVS, Walgreens, and even walmart. Aside from shaving my kid bald, I'm not quite sure of the solution here! I'm open for suggestions though, and appreciate the advice.
Kaytie
10/27/2016 12:27:21 pm
I understand your frustration! Only had to deal with it for a month (still suffering from PTSD from it though and continue to do coconut/tea tree oil treatments once a week plus the combing every week!) what I found that worked like a charm after 2 store bought pkgs and perscription crap (none of which worked!) was thins: 1 get a kick ass nit comb--metal prongs not plastic--my husband found one at Walgreens-- then pour apple cider vinegar on hair so all hair is wet and then let it completely dry. Do not wash this out. Once hair is dry apply a mixture of coconut oil and tea tree oil through the entire head to the ends of hair. I really saturate the head/hair, then you sleep with this on your hair (I put hair in bun, &I wrapped head in cling wrap with painters tape). In the morning before washing it out use kick ass nit comb little section by little section and comb out all dead lice and nits. The apple cider vinegar removes the 'glue' the nits are held on with. Then shower and wash hair with your shampoo that you've added tea tree oil too. I made a squirt bottle of water and tea tree oil and I spray my girls hair, back pack and coat every morning. And I wash her hair with the tea tree oil mixed shampoo about every other day..good luck! This worked like a CHARM for us!
Rachelle
10/28/2016 08:44:41 am
just a little tip, someone told me last year when my daughter started Kindergarten to use Suave's Mint Tea and Rosemary shampoo (green bottle) EVERYDAY on her - the lice HATE the mint and the rosemary - Walmart sells the huge bottles for next to nothing and (knock on wood) 2 years of many, many notes home about those little a-hole bugs - my girl is clean :)
Kady
11/11/2016 10:32:20 pm
Lol I loved this!! I have 5 kids and one specific daughter is the lice magnet in my house. We delt with it every Monday for about half a year. Id get rid of it she would go back to school and BAM!! I notified the school thinking they would notify other parents, yeah right!! So I made a "newsletter" of my own and went to each locker of my daughter's class and stuffed it in thier backpacks. To my surprise NOT alot of moms came to me saying the same was happening to them. A blow dryer.. Some Saran Wrap and mayonnaise did the trick. We had some gresaey ass looking hair for a day or two but it did the trick. I have them sleep with it in and rinse when they wake up. Knock on wood we haven't had these little critters this school year, but I'm an expert now. Your 100% correct on everything you said. The schools and everyone dont speak of it EVER!!
EMJ
11/20/2016 04:33:11 pm
As I read this I think to myself - Thank god I don't have to deal with the shit storm that is public school again. See, because I managed to get my two daughters, 21 years old and 19 years old, through 14 years of school (if we count preschool and kindergarten) each to never have had to deal with poo bugs. Except the one and only time my ex decided to exercise his yearly-one-month-in-the-summer-visitation in which only one child decided to go and only one child came home with bugs in her head. I still don't know what those were since I was told they weren't lice... Are there other poo bugs out there?
Kristen
12/11/2020 11:46:23 pm
I had an ex boss tell me that once you get rid of lice to start washing your hair with green apple shampoo. She said helps keep them away because they don't like the smell of it. So far it seems to have worked after I got rid of them on my kid's heads. Leave a Reply. |
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