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The latest sh*t show

A Shampoo Bar, A Barbie, and My Taint...

8/7/2017

26 Comments

 
You guys...it has been FOREVER since I've blogged.   I'm not sure if it's the copious amount of wine I've consumed this evening, or the sheer unfortunate details of tonight's events that's forced me to dust off the keyboard.  Either way, here's to a good read...and my extreme vulnerability...

It all started just a few hours ago.  I'll try to make this semi-long story short, and get right to the point.

I was standing in the kitchen, and Kev kind of gave me the "look."  The "Sweet Jesus, what did I vow to hold on to for better or for worse?  When is the last time she's stepped even NEAR a washcloth?" look.  I knew it was coming.  In the last 7 days, I powered through an entire bag of Seedlings wipes for small quick whore baths of shame.  I smelled like a burnt onion ring, no doubt.  I real quick caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and admired the hair-do I was still sporting....from LAST SUNDAY!!!  I had a cute little coif on the top of my head that resembled literally ALL of Flock of Seagulls, and, by running my fingers through it, I could easily butter pancakes for our entire Family of 8.  The deli ladies were starting to talk.

He said..."Babe...go ahead and get in the shower."

So, off I went.

Unfortunately... The "adult" shower was out of commissions.  I also waited entirely too long between showers, that I forgot which order I normally do things.  

Started by washing my face.  I grabbed my face scrub because, clearly...I needed SOME sort of massive exfoliation.   

I recently turned crunchy, so I obviously went ahead and made my own facial scrub.  I'm basically Martha Stewart now.  It's fine.  Here's a quick PSA though...when exfoliating your face with a bunch of hippy dippy shit, like... coconut oil, sugar, and a few of your favorite essential oils, DON'T OPEN YOUR EYES...EVEN if  one of your turdhole children runs in to steam smoke you with a massive taco dump.  Can she use another bathroom?  Nooooooooooo...because she's waited too long, and it's turtle heading.  Perfect.  Kill me now.

So, while my eyes are glued shut and I stand there waiting for the scorching, acid like feeling in my eyeballs to subside, I reach for some sort of body wash.   Is there any body wash though?  Sure the balls isn't!!!  Why you ask?  Oh, because my sweet Penny Jane decided to use the entire bottle for a Malibu Barbie mother f*cking foam party!!!  It was a rager, I'm sure.



So, I move along.  As the stench of said child's hot fudge baby permeates through the steamy air, I figure I'll just go ahead and wash my hair.  With WHAT though?  Penny needed all of that for Barbie's 2.5 inches of GD hair.   Super.   Some Lush shampoo bar it was!  WTF is a shampoo bar?  We'll soon find out...maybe.

Y'all ever open one of these GD shampoo bar tins?  Am I the ONLY human being that WETS their head before washing it?  Try opening one of those f*cking Chinese finger trap bitches when your hands are wet.  Go ahead...try it. 
 
"Oh, hey.  Is that a tiny replica of Fort fucking Knox?"  
"Nope.  Just a shampoo bar tin from HELL."

I yelled for Ella.  She ran in.  Immediately complained of the giant steamy poo smell, and asked what I needed.  She knew good and well what I needed, once I flashed that shiny tin from Satan.  She's like...."OHHHHHHHH...I hate those!  Stopped using them because I can't get the shit open."  She didn't say shit though.  That's just all of my pent up anger.

She worked on it with a butter knife for a while.  Nothin!  Even brought it down to Kev.  He thought it was a trick, and told it to f*ck off.

She brought it back up to me and said "No dice."  I wasn't giving up.  I threw it against the wall a few hundred times.  Last time I threw it, it landed on my pinky toe.  Now I have shit in my eyes, nothing to wash my body OR hair with, a busted ass toe, and a bathroom that smells like a port-a-jon after a black bean burrito bowl rager.  F*CK. THIS.

It gets better.  

I try drying my hands to get a better grip on Houdini's secret "f*ck you" box.  I reach outside of the tub, towards the stool,  to grab my towel.  I'm going after it for a while, but given I'm not 25 anymore, my back starts to say "You're not Simone Biles.  Sit the f*ck down!"

Here it goes....

I engage in a gentle "squat,"  still leaning against the tub.


Can one tell a story with just a photo?
Picture
No?  How about a better angle?
Picture
You guys...I gentle squatted RIGHT onto Barbie's entire f*cking leg.

NO!  It didn't just brush up against my skin.  I'm talking FULL penetration..right into the forbidden back end balloon knot.  And it didn't just "slip" right in.  Nooooooooo!!!  That bitch's foot spared NO mercy on the old puckered starfish.

So, there you have it.  I feel like I just got gang banged by a bunch of Mattel whores, while Peppa Pig and her entire entourage sat there and LAUGHED.  

​So, as Barbie gives absolutely ZERO effs about what I had just endured, I sit here with a bandaid on my ham flower.

Stay safe.  Use a butt wipe.
Picture
26 Comments
Eden Dailey
8/7/2017 02:25:20 am

You really are my hero! Please write these more often!!

Reply
Angela G.
8/17/2017 01:48:45 am

I agree with you. This is amazing and the visual just killed me. This was waayyy tooo funny, I am sorry for your misfortune but seriously that was great.

Reply
Kate de Goede
8/7/2017 02:48:07 am

This made me laugh so hard i had tears in my eyes... feeling sorry for poor barbie though, she was just sitting there minding her own business, imagine the fright she got!!! Bwhahaha sorry...

Reply
Tammy
8/7/2017 03:19:12 am

OMG! I about died laughing. I was reading this at work and was looked at like I had grown 2 heads! 😂😂😂😂

Reply
Sue
8/7/2017 04:27:58 am

Oh Megan, please tell me you and Kev will have your own, parents only bathroom where you can shower and poop in piece at your gorgeous new house. I love your blogs and fb posts, but I do worry about you some days my love. Take care xx

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Jen Gibbs
8/7/2017 04:35:07 am

You are one of my favorite humans. Sorry you experienced a shower from hell, but thank you for writing about it!! ❤️

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Victoria
8/7/2017 05:04:26 am

You need to blog more! Your genuine personality and use of no filter is the reason I follow you on Social Media. Real life raw stories. Sorry about the Barbie incident... that Barbie should be buried in your backyard. 🤣🤣🤣

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Kristen
8/7/2017 05:15:10 am

That was hysfuckinterical!

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Stacy Simpson
8/7/2017 05:20:29 am

I'm dying here! That is hilarious and a very colorful story! I needed this laugh on a Monday morning

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Desiree
8/7/2017 11:05:09 am

Omg this almost made me piss my pants.. this was hilarious.. the stuff that us mom go through with our kids stuff.. lmao

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Christy
8/7/2017 12:04:20 pm

oh dear Lord baby Jesus lmao

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Tammie
8/7/2017 01:35:59 pm

Girl, you have talent! And I don't just mean with Barbie sex either... so, pllllleease, subscribe me to your hilarity. That's the first injury (would you actually call anal sex with Barbie an injury? Lol) my klutzy ass hasn't met - yet.

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Melissa
8/7/2017 02:19:26 pm

I just died laughing....ham flower?! Lmao! Im sorry though that sucks.....

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Julia link
8/7/2017 02:26:43 pm

Should know better than to read anything you write while at work!!! My God I can't stop. Hopefully that new master suite has a lock on the door and you can finally utilize the bathroom 100% privately! Hope your tush feels better soon!

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Tammy
8/7/2017 05:53:16 pm

God bless you and your next shower. I really needed to laugh my a** off today. Xo

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Debbie Feil
8/7/2017 06:31:58 pm

I have never seen so many euphemisms for buttholes!! So hilarious!

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Ursula
8/7/2017 07:34:17 pm

You are hilariously and accurately describing my life! I love your sense of humor! Send me more :)

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Dawnna Martin
8/7/2017 10:27:30 pm

Awesome straight up truth. Keep up the stories, this was the first one I ran across and boy was it a douesy.

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Shanea
8/7/2017 11:20:53 pm

Hilarious!!! Please write more often!!

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Melanie
8/8/2017 04:39:37 am

Everyt time I read one of your stories I say a little prayer that your very own tv show, reality show, x rated talk show-which ever one is coming soon!!! You are the best!!!

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Mary
8/8/2017 06:22:12 am

This was the funniest story I've read in a long time!
At my age (67) it is always wise to wear a pad and
was I glad I had one on tonight while reading this.
Every time I cough, sneeze, laugh or grunt trying
to get up I either wet my pad, start swearing because
I can't get up or my fucking nose starts bleeding.
So here I was lying down at 4:00am 8/8/17 and I
start reading this story. No problem because I have
a pad on, a box of Kleenex beside me, I'm not a
squeamish person and I swear all day long.
I start to laugh and sure enough I'm glad I have my
pad on, my nose starts bleeding, I'm laughing so
hard I'm choking on the blood running down my throat
When I remember the paramedics say to sit up so you
won't choke on the blood. But I'm laughing so fucking
hard my nose keeps bleeding, my pad is getting well
used and I'm too busy scrolling on my phone to read
the rest of the story! Then I reach Barbies legs and I
lose it! I'm laughing and crying and bleeding and
peeing and I knew I had to let you know how much I
really enjoyed myself just now!! Thank you for your
time and please keep writing. Next time I'll go sit on
my toilet....no I can't do that or I'd wake up my son and
his wife and their three kids. I live in a room behind
the garage so they can't hear me out here!!

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Olivia
8/9/2017 08:07:39 am

I F-ING LOVE THIS!! This is probably the funniest thing I have ever read. I don't read much of anything but if you wrote a book I would spend my kid's birthday money on it!! Your IG posts bring laughter to my day each and every time I see them. It gives me assurance in knowing that I'm not the only mom that goes through trials that test my ever loving patience on a daily basis. Thank you for this!!!

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Linda Williams
8/11/2017 01:03:04 pm

My daughter shared this story with me. So FUNNY! PLUS you just gave me and my husband a couple of new ways to describe a butt hole. Thank you! :-D

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Dianne Martin
8/16/2017 06:24:04 pm

Really laughed myself silly! Never read a blog from you b4...now im going to read the others i found... can't wait ro read them! Thank you for uplifting my day...LOVED IT!

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Ardell Simrell
9/3/2017 09:19:30 am

So funny April. I almost died laughing

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Misty link
8/19/2022 05:04:24 am

OMG I loved every minute of that story... I was laughing so hard it took me forever to get through and finish to the end, I literally was crying laughing so hard I know your pain I know your pain thank you

Reply



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