You guys...it has been FOREVER since I've blogged. I'm not sure if it's the copious amount of wine I've consumed this evening, or the sheer unfortunate details of tonight's events that's forced me to dust off the keyboard. Either way, here's to a good read...and my extreme vulnerability...
It all started just a few hours ago. I'll try to make this semi-long story short, and get right to the point.
I was standing in the kitchen, and Kev kind of gave me the "look." The "JESUS! When is the last time she's washed herself" look. I knew it was coming. In the last 7 days, I managed to use a whole bag of Seedlings butt wipes for quick T&A clean ups. I glanced real quick at myself in the mirror today, and admired the hair-do I was still sporting....from LAST SUNDAY!!! I had a cute little coif on the top of my head that resembled a small rat's nest, and, by running my fingers through it, I could easily butter pancakes for our entire Family of 8. Super sexy shit, for sure!
He said..."Babe...go ahead and get in the shower."
So, off I went.
Unfortunately... I waited so damned long between showers, that I forgot which order I normally do things. Started by washing my face. I grabbed my homemade face scrub because, clearly...I needed SOME sort of massive exfoliation. It's loaded with a bunch of fun shit, like... coconut oil, sugar, and a few of my favorite essential oils.
Here's a tip for ya! When exfoliating your face with a bunch of fun shit, like... coconut oil, sugar, and a few of your favorite essential oils, don't open your eyes because one of your butthole children runs in to take a giant dump. Just don't.
So, while my eyes are glued shut and I stand there waiting for the burning firey feeling in my eyeballs to subside, I reach for my body wash. Is my body wash where it should be? Sure the fuck isn't!!! Why you ask? Oh, because my sweet Penny Jane decided to use the entire bottle for a Malibu Barbie mother fucking foam party!!!
So, I move along. As the stench of said child's hot turd permeates through the steamy air, I figure I'll just go ahead and wash my hair. With WHAT though? I'm a complete dumb ass, and packed ALL of my good shampoo and conditioner. I won't lie and say that I COMPLETELY use only Young Living products 100%. I have a small secret obsession with anything Rose Jam scented from LUSH. I kind of, a little bit...get a lady boner when I smell it. Given that though...I kind of...sort of...worry about how "natural" it is. Whatever...I had nothing else. Rose Jam shampoo bar it was!
Here's the problem. And, I CANNOT be the only one. You guys ever try opening one of their stupid shampoo bar tins? Am I the ONLY human being that WETS their head before washing it? Try opening one of those fucking Chinese finger trap bitches when your hands are wet. NOPE!
"Oh, hey. Is that a tiny replica of Fort fucking Knox?"
"Nope. Just a LUSH shampoo bar tin from HELL."
I yelled for Ella. She ran in. Immediately complained of the giant steamy poo smell, and asked what I needed. She knew god damned good and well what I needed, once I flashed that shiny tin from Satan. She's like...."OHHHHHHHH...I hate those! Stopped using them because I can't get the shit open." She didn't say shit though. That's just all of my pent up anger.
She worked on it with a butter knife for a while. Nothin! Even brought it down to Kev. He thought it was a trick, and told it to fuck off.
She brought it back up to me and said "No dice." I wasn't giving up. I threw it against the wall a few hundred times. Last time I threw it, it landed on my pinky toe. Now I have shit in my eyes, nothing to wash my body OR hair with, a busted ass toe, and a bathroom that smells like a port-a-jon after a black bean burrito bowl rager. FUCK. THIS.
It gets better.
I try drying my hands to get a better grip on Houdini's secret "fuck you" box. I reach outside of the tub, towards the stool, to grab my towel. I'm going after it for a while, but given I'm not 25 anymore, my back starts to say "Sit the fuck down!"
Here it goes....
I engage in a gentle "squat," still leaning against the tub.
Can one tell a story with just a photo?
No? How about a better angle?
You guys...I gentle squatted RIGHT onto Barbie's entire fucking leg.
NO! It didn't just brush up against my skin. I'm talking FULL penetration..right into the forbidden back end balloon knot. And it didn't just "slip" right in. Nooooooooo!!! That bitch's foot spared NO mercy on the old puckered starfish.
So, there you have it. I feel like I just got gang banged by a bunch of Mattel whores, while Peppa Pig and her entire entourage sat there and LAUGHED.
So, as I sit here with a bandaid on my ham flower, I have one thing to say to LUSH...and their asshole tins...